Learning to Love Amy Read online

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

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  Chapter One

  It was a typical British day: rainy, black sky, lightning, with thunder claps so loud they made you jump. Janet and I didn’t care; we were happy dancing away, singing at the tops of our voices while Star Wars played on a loop on the telly. Every so often Janet would sigh, ‘I love Luke Skywalker, Mia. I really love him,’ or she’d say, ‘Mia. My Luke Skywalker, where is he?’ And I would say, ‘He’s up there with the stars, looking for you.’ Then we would collapse, laughing, and carry on dancing.

  I wondered what a passerby looking through the front window would make of me whirling a Down’s syndrome teenager round and round, both of us dancing inelegantly, giggling hysterically, while I tried to explain that Luke Skywalker only existed on the television screen. I was cheering her up, they would think, but the reverse was true. I know this sounds odd but Janet was a fantastic therapist to me, and came along just when I needed her.

  I met Janet because she lived next door to us, with her lovely mum Lizzy and younger sister Emma. The first time I saw her I looked at her big, innocent smile and couldn’t help but smile back. We hit it off straight away, which is unusual because Down’s syndrome children are quite fussy and only interact with certain people, but I did not dismiss her as so many other people did, and Janet picked up on that. The look of relief on Lizzy’s face when she realised her daughter was going to be accepted by us was a special moment.

  ‘Thank you,’ she mouthed silently at me.

  ‘Janet is lovely,’ I mouthed silently back.

  Emma was six, the same age as my youngest daughter Ruby, and although my eldest, Francesca, was seven, and Janet fifteen, because of her disability Janet was oblivious to the fact that she was twice their age and joined in with all their games. I would often find them happily playing with Barbies, getting them ready to go to balls and parties.

  Our family – Martin, Francesca, Ruby and I – had only recently moved into the house next to Janet and her family, and I believed that fate had led us there. I felt as though we had found exactly the right house at exactly the right time, because our old home was full of sadness after the sudden death of our foster child Hope. I had cried so many tears in that house, I felt the only real way to exorcise the sadness was to leave.

  I know it’s a funny thing to say about mere bricks and mortar, but the place we found was healing in a way I could never have predicted. Firstly, we had bought it from the local parish church, and the moment you walked through the door you were enveloped by a feeling of calm. It was like an invisible being wrapping their arms around you, whispering that everything was going to be okay. I felt safe, protected and secure for the first time in months. The irony was that after Hope’s death I had craved the peace, tranquillity and silence of our local church, and now I got that same feeling in our new house.

  It was in a quiet, tree-lined road with a large village-style green at the top. Priests had lived there and I was sure that was why its spiritual atmosphere was so strong. You could feel every prayer and every blessing that had ever been said there, as though all that love had been absorbed by the walls.

  When I walked through the door that first time, I fell in love with it, totally oblivious to the amount of work that needed doing to make it habitable. The roof leaked and needed replacing; it would cost a fortune and had to be done fast, because when it rained out came the buckets. Me and the girls often slept in one room, giggling when we had to get up to empty them. Martin never saw the funny side – why would he? He had to do all the work – and slept next door where it was drier.

  Martin looked at the bare walls and floorboards, and walked around muttering under his breath, ‘What have we done? It needs new everything, and we don’t have the money to do it!’

  I just smiled and said, ‘We will. We will be able to make this our home, and I promise you, it will be a happy one.’

  I’d give him a big kiss, the girls would hug his legs, Jack and Jill (the dogs) would start licking his hand and he’d smile and walk off muttering again, pretending to be cross. As always, I was the optimist and Martin the pessimist. We were Yin and Yang, chalk and cheese, Tom and Jerry, and that’s why we worked so well together.

  We settled into a routine. Martin would spend all day driving his cab, then come home, have his dinner and start working on the house. I would take the girls to school, come home and start painting. After a few months we were making progress, the crumbling walls were replastered, the peeling paint was sanded down and our furniture was beginning to make it look homely.

  We were in a lovely area in Kent and Lizzy and her family could not have been better neighbours.

  Lizzy was slim, with light-brown hair and clear skin. She was cool, calm and collected, and never raised her voice – a quality I have never mastered, which I put down to my fiery Italian blood. Despite our differences, though, we had so much in common. Her husband was Italian, like my dad, and she was an osteopath, so in a caring profession like me, and we both adored children.

  We each had two kids and were devoted, caring mothers. The one difference between us when it came to parenting was that she did not believe in pushing her children. If Janet didn’t feel like getting on the coach to go to college, Lizzy would say, ‘Oh Janet, if you don’t want to go you don’t have to,’ whereas I would have just shouted, ‘Janet, get on the bus and put your seatbelt on!’

  We all have our own parenting skills and ways of raising children, though, and Lizzy’s kids were lovely, so whatever she was doing worked for her. That’s one thing that never ceases to amaze me about families: how we can all do it so differently, but as long as your intentions are good and you lavish children with love and care, and respond when they need you, they seem to turn out fine.

  Emma and Ruby became best friends and when the girls were home, Janet would dress up with them and they would all sit there playing with make-up and laughing. What was lovely to watch was how Emma, who was a shy little girl, began to accept Janet who, to be honest, she was a bit embarrassed to be seen with. At first, when Ruby and Francesca would say, ‘Come on, Janet, come on, Emma; we’re going up the shops,’ Emma would tell Janet she couldn’t come, but after a while, because Ruby and Francesca treated Janet as though she had no disability, Janet began to tag along and Emma stopped being embarrassed by her Down’s syndrome sister.

  Janet and I had a wonderful connection and while the girls were at school, she was my best friend. Janet was a character. I loved her because she was brutally honest and had a simple approach to life and a straightforward way of talking. If she didn’t like you she would tell you straight. She, in turn, loved that I treated her the same as I would anyone else. I have always had that ability; I don’t care if you’re the Queen or a tramp – everyone is equal in my eyes.

  Some days, things that reminded me of Hope just seemed to haunt me. I’d find a toy that she had loved, and before I knew it I was in tears. When I felt really low thinking about Hope I would talk about her for hours to Janet, who would look me straight in the eye and say, ‘Don’t be stupid, Mia. Your stupid Hope is okay and you’re with me now. Put the bloody kettle on.’

  Then Janet would look at my puffy, tear-stained face and say, ‘Mia, you look like crap. Hope is safe in heaven, you don’t need to worry.�
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  I would laugh, immediately snap out of it, put the music on and we’d start dancing.

  Normally, I love spending time outside the home, because I am a bit of a free spirit, but in the months after Hope died, I just wanted to stay in all the time, partly because I had so much to do in the house, what with all the painting, the waiting around for deliveries and catering for the workmen’s never-ending tea breaks, and partly because I was still grieving and wanted to keep that private.

  Grief is such a personal experience, one we all deal with in our own way. My way was to lock myself in my house with lovely, uncomplicated Janet, who possessed the ability not to judge me.

  I felt judged by those close to me. Whether or not they really were being judgemental I don’t know – no one ever said ‘I told you so’ or ‘How irresponsible’ to my face – but I knew everyone thought Hope would be too much for me to cope with, and after she died, I felt they were all thinking, ‘Well, what did she think the outcome was going to be?’ because, deep down, that’s how I felt. In quiet moments, when I was being honest with myself, I wondered exactly that. What had I been thinking when I agreed to care for such a sick little girl? If I had driven a car at a hundred miles an hour and crashed, people would have said, ‘Well, what did you expect?’ So how was this any different?

  This time, being the eternal optimist who thinks they can fix everything didn’t work. My character is to jump first and think afterwards. Mostly I come up smelling of roses, although with a few scratches, but this time was different. I had been well and truly ripped to shreds and I was spending a lot of time thinking about Hope.

  Janet was new to my world, uncomplicated by prejudice, and I felt safe telling her how I felt because she wasn’t going to judge me or give me advice. She did the most important thing and that was to listen.

  ‘Sorry for crying,’ I remember saying so often to her.

  ‘That’s okay, Mia,’ she would say before changing the subject.

  For Janet, this was the first time anyone had really needed her. We all like to be needed and Janet was no exception, but because of her disability people felt uncomfortable confiding in her. Now she felt she had a friendship on an equal footing, and she dealt with it on her terms, not mine.

  The house was honestly a mess, with its peeling wallpaper, years and years of paintwork that needed sanding and that interminably dripping roof. Martin and I were both working so hard we were truly exhausted, and one afternoon the tiredness just seemed to creep into every bone in my body. There was nothing for it; I just lay down on my bed for a nap. Next thing I knew, Lizzy was banging on my door, shouting, ‘Mia, Mia. Are you there?’

  Waking up with a start, I realised I’d missed the school run. It was so unlike me – normally I was one of the first mums in the playground.

  ‘Are the girls all right?’ I said as I raced out the door.

  ‘They’re fine, they’re in the Head’s office,’ I could just hear Lizzy say as I raced to the school at what felt like a hundred miles an hour.

  I got to the Head’s office and looked at their long faces, which were as dejected as a pair of lost puppies’. I felt terrible and made up for it by cuddling them all the way home and buying them a huge ice cream.

  This was so out of character for me; not just forgetting to pick up Francesca and Ruby, but falling asleep in the middle of the day. I did have umpteen jobs, I reasoned, and had just moved and was still grieving, so maybe that was it. Then, suddenly, the realisation that I could be pregnant slapped me hard in the face. I said nothing, though, and kept it to myself for the time being.

  It was perfectly possible, as I wasn’t using any contraception. Martin and I worked out the times in the month when I was likely to get pregnant and didn’t have sex then, and that method had worked well so far. But we were so busy that keeping track of the day was hard enough, never mind when I was ovulating. Secretly, I wanted more children, and I had never really let on to Martin how big I wanted my family to be. One thing I knew was that I just loved being a mum, because there is no feeling quite like it, and no one can prepare you for how much you are going to love your children. When I was flying around the world with my job it would never have occurred to me to give it up, but now I was a mum it never occurred to me to go back. Whatever would be, as far as family was concerned, would be. I embraced and enjoyed every minute.

  The following morning, Lizzy dropped Janet off with me before the college coach arrived as she had a hospital appointment, and anyway Janet did not want to go to college because she was feeling ill. She was well enough to come on the school run with me, and after we dropped the girls off I walked round to the chemist to get a pregnancy test.

  Back home, I ran straight into the bathroom, did the test and held my breath. Those two positive blue lines appeared immediately. I was so excited and so was Janet, and we danced around the living room, singing, ‘I’m going to have a baby, I’m going to have a baby.’

  Janet celebrated by pushing a cushion up her jumper and asking, ‘If it’s a boy, can you call him Luke Skywalker?’

  It was winter at the time and freezing cold outside, so I made a flask of soup, buttered a roll, wrapped the pregnancy test in foil and put it inside the roll, with the ends sticking out so you could just about see it, then I drove to the cab stand where I knew Martin would be taking his break. He looked cold and tired, so the soup was a godsend. He also looked confused.

  ‘Everything all right?’ he said.

  ‘Yes, fine. Just thought you might need something warming,’ I said, trying hard not to smile and give myself away.

  I hadn’t had much time for him recently, so he wondered what on earth I was doing there. I didn’t wait; I kissed him on the cheek and left.

  Until I did the test, I’d had absolutely no clue that I was pregnant. In fact, I couldn’t even remember having sex! However hard I racked my brain, I just could not remember. One thing was for sure, it was not the Immaculate Conception, and I made a note to take contraception more seriously.

  When Martin came through the door that night he had the biggest smile on his face. He walked straight over and gave me a huge hug. Later that evening we told the girls, who were absolutely delighted, and in that moment I knew that whatever road we travelled together, we would be all right. Life could not have been better, I thought, but then I had thought that before.

  Once the excitement had died down, all I could think was how on earth we were going to get the house ready in time. My second thought was that I hoped it was a girl, although I knew Martin was desperate for a boy.

  We were in a good place, though, and the time was right. The girls loved the new house and they were doing brilliantly at school, which reported that they were happy and blossoming, and that all trace of the sadness they had suffered after Hope had died was gone. The neighbours loved them and they were the new kids on the block.

  I called my mum. ‘Are you sitting down?’

  ‘What’s happened?’ Mum said, a slight panic in her voice.

  ‘It’s all good, don’t worry. We’re having a baby!’

  ‘It’s so funny you should say that – I was just wondering if you and Martin were planning to have more. I can’t wait to be a nan again!’

  My whole family were overjoyed, but particularly Mum, because she had suffered a horrific shock a few weeks earlier. She had always been a tower of strength to me, and had seen me crumble after Hope’s death, but recently it had been her turn to be heartbroken.

  Mum’s older sister Lily had had an only son called Joseph, who was more like a brother to Mum than a nephew, as they were so similar in age. No one knew why, but he had committed suicide. One morning he got up early, attached a hosepipe to the exhaust of his car and fed it through the window, knowing perfectly well that the carbon monoxide fumes would kill him. That day, the bottom fell out of Mum and Auntie Lily’s world.

  After Joseph’s funeral, Lily’s whole appearance was transformed, partly because of grief, and partly becaus
e of the medication she was taking to anaesthetise herself from the grief.

  It was about six months after Joseph’s suicide when Mum called and I could barely understand what she was saying, she was sobbing so hard.

  ‘What’s happened, Mum? Take a deep breath and tell me what it is.’

  It took a minute for Mum to compose herself. ‘Lily’s dead,’ she managed to blurt out between sobs.

  I was speechless. All I could say for the next minute or so was, ‘Mum, I am so, so sorry. Stay where you are. I’m coming round.’

  I don’t think any of us were that surprised to hear about Auntie Lily. It wasn’t suicide exactly, but the post-mortem showed that a mix of tranquillisers and white wine killed her. To numb the pain, Lily was drinking two bottles a day and had probably forgotten how many pills she had taken – a combination that proved lethal.

  Facing two funerals in quick succession was painful for everyone, and only a year after Hope’s death. Deep down I knew the sadness couldn’t last and that something would come along to lift the family’s spirits, and it was my pregnancy. The timing of it could not have been more perfect.

  It was brilliant news as far as my family were concerned and everyone got really excited. The phone never stopped. Everybody got involved, suggesting names, wondering if it was a boy or a girl (everyone hoped for a boy because that’s what Martin wanted) or saying, ‘Is there anything you need? What can we get you?’ It wasn’t just between Martin and me; it was a family event, and everyone embraced it. Finally, we had something to smile about and something other than the death of Lily and Joseph to talk about.

  As I ticked off the months my bump grew bigger and bigger, and the new house took shape. Family and friends helped us decorate, but the most special helper was my beloved dad.

  Dad did everything for me and I could do no wrong in his eyes. If I’d come home and said, ‘Dad, I’ve just murdered someone,’ he’d have said, ‘Go and get me the shovel.’ His love was unconditional, and we just needed to look at each other to know what the other was thinking. I was never going to feel as special with anyone as I did with my dad, I knew that, so I treasured these moments.